A Bar Leap for Mankind

With an 11 trillion dollar debt, North Korea and Iran behaving badly, and a bloated carbon emissions bill in limbo, celebrations in the nation’s capital have been muted. If not for President Obama’s star power, the eerie flicker from Nancy Pelosi’s smile would be the only source of light in the city.

But despite the general malaise, some have found reason for rejoice. After all, who can resist a good 40 year reunion?

On July 20^th, 1969, two astronauts landed on the moon. To this day, it seems unfathomable: only a few decades before, people wore homespun clothes and mistakenly shouted into telephone earpieces.

“Landing on the moon was an astronomical achievement,” remarked Daniel Heltzer, 30, attorney in Northwest. “We can’t let one of this nation’s proudest moments be eclipsed by an economic downturn.”

To commemorate the event, several lunar enthusiasts are organizing a celebration on Washington’s U Street, Saturday night, July 18^th.

The format? A “bar leap.”

“Crawl? This is one giant leap,” said Matt Segneri, 28, FBI analyst. “Their weight on the moon was what? 1/6^th? Even with a 200 pound suit on, they’re frolicking around like Tom Sawyer in a dewy meadow. No, this is no crawl.

“While we’re at, why do they call it ‘Ovaltine’? The jar’s round, the mug’s round, should be called ‘Roundtine.’” Recession or not, the FBI only picks the sharpest.

Organizers have encouraged attendees to dress in appropriate space garb and make trite observations that start with, “They can put a guy on the moon, but…”

“Let me tell you something about the moon,” stated New York organizer, JJ Singh, 28, “They can put a guy on the moon, but they can’t figure out a way to put AC in subway stations. Amateur hour.” It’s unclear if Singh cares more about Apollo 11 or summer humidity. “Seriously, hang out on the platform in Union Square for 10 minutes, then come talk to me. W. T. F.”

Organizers plan to distribute a detailed map of their route a few days before the event. They will advertise exclusively through Twitter.

World Bank Employee, Ursula Martinez, 30, summed up the event best, saying, “I mean… the guy’s name was Buzz. How can you not drink to that?”